A friday post for wednesday

Hey Readers:
Funny thing about working in the boston area, I keep running into you knuckleheads by chance. I saw the original Boston Beaneater today, (bean spoonerfield) on my way to work. He looks like a million bucks all dressed up for work, huh?!?
Anyway, the faithful few readers stick it out, to hear what I have to say. I am doing ok today, and it is for a few reasons:
1. I have not dropped dead yet of the heat (although I’m close)
2. I’m sobah, and have not had a smokerette in ovah 45 days: saving money and time on my life
3. I have a job (I keep on showing up, and they keep on paying me)
4. I have the support of a lovely wife/girlfriend, you guys, and my family
5. My injured hero-brother is doing very very well, and I saw him recently
6. I am alive to talk about it
7. Dean looks amazing, and can rip a phone book in half with his bare hands
8. I don’t smell so bad anymore
9. Memorial day is right around the corner
10. I might be able to go bowling again soon



So let’s all take a deep breath, thank God, Jehovah, Jebus, Beavis, Jason Varitek, or whoever you choose to thank, and go about the day with a humpy smile on the facials.

Thanks is due for Gregsly Leggington, who made me laugh last night for roughly 30 minutes when referring to a certain act of funtime.

Remember, spay or neuter you cats, dogs, and guinea pigs. You’ve been great…back to work.

PDUBS

OUCH

Mouf Hurty
I remember in health class, looking at pictures of people with mouth cancer, or lung cancer. I would say…there is no way I am ever going to smoke a cigarette, or have a dip.
Then I tried dip when I was 16…I got a buzz that was better than any drink or drug I ever did. So, I was hooked. From that first dip, I was hooked on the feeling that nicotine brought. Well, now I have 44 days without any nicotine whatsoever. I belong to www.quitnet.com, which sends me daily stats of how my health is improving and how much money I am saving by staying off the bad shit.
BUT, I now have a white lesion in my mouth that has been hurting me for a week. I am headed in for a biopsy of it this morning. Wish me luck readers, and do not, under any circumstances, ever pick up a cigarette or any other form of tobacco. EVER.
Love you guys…say a little prayer for the hat wearer.

BTW….I am meeting Gov. Patrick on Thursday night…

I am blessed, but I cant.

I am blessed
I’m blessed to be alive today.
But You know what? I wanna punch people.
I want to drink coffee, but I cant. I want to have a cigarette, but I cant.
I want a million dollars, that’s not happening.
I want to fly my own jet to Aruba, but I don’t have my own jet.
I want to drink all the fucking booze that is in Framingham, but I cant
I want to smoke a cigarette…but I already said that
I want to punch the window pane out, but that would hurt.
I want to drive my piece of shit car into a fucking water hole, but then I woudnt have a car
I want to smack myself in the face, but that would hurt

Good morning everybody, Hope youre having as pleasant of a day as I am.
Anyone wanna go fishing? Because fishing and bowling are all I can think about.

BLOG YOURSELF, BASTARD

Blog yourself Kid
In a fleeting moment of better judgement, I have come to realize that my blogs have been very mean. I have been poking fun at so many people around me, and not using the best material around….THIS GUY!
What a joke I can be…what a jokester, but what a smokester.
Smoke and mirrors, what evah….throwing accents around like im bettahh
Who died and made me king?
Bringin hate isn’t sure to win

Come on now, theres funny stuff here. Im really silly, but im not queer. Well, im kinda weird, but at least not normal. I often talk like im real formal.
But leave me be, let me pick on others
Don’t make me see, let me hide under covers
Under layers of silly, layers of funny,
Layers of bullshit, Im no dummy
I pick problems with others, when I’m scared
Its not that bad, not as bad as I’ve feared

Why do I do this, I might ask
Is it some problem that I was born with?
Or did it come from a flask?
Why do I talk like my shit don’t stink
When after I dump, I often think
What climbed up there kid?
What died in my rear?
And why am I being so serious here?
C’mon man, lighten up, its fun to be sobah
You know you need to,
Cause otherwise its over
You could die tomorrow,
From a freak plane crash,
But you know what man?
I wanna last.
I don’t wanna die from smoking no cig
And I don’t wanna die from acting all big
I don’t wanna die from a slug to the brain
And I certainly don’t wanna die insane
I wanna live a long happy life
And I really want to have Sarah as wife
I wanna do something here on this earth
And I’ve only been fucking around since my birth
I need to get serious, but do it with grace
And you know, I have what it takes
I love myself, and I love others
And its time to come out of the covers
Love my self enough to be sober
Even if I do still hate Dover
I am who I am, I cant change that
I may be a drunk,
But Im still Pat in a hat.

Humpy Day

The day that humped the camel back

Happy hump day readers.
I hope we all have some fun today, because mr. weekend is right around the corner.
I am grateful to be alive today. And believe you me, I’m feeling ok.
So did anyone see Mrs. Bush on Oprah? I did not, but I know someone who did. I guess the woman got up and told the country how she killed someone while driving drunk. I really respect that honest, but its very interesting that she is so willing to be honest, AFTER THE FACT. Did we have this type of statement before her chimpanzee husband was elected, brought the economy from the biggest period of economic expansion in its history, to a screeching halt, and somehow managed to offend every other country in the world?
In a quick comparison, Obama detailed his experiences in a well-worded, honest memoirs (2 memoirs) before being elected. Bush Dubya actually had a DUI on his record, from an era when DUI’s were harder to get than a sunburn in an underground tunnel. I know I need to just back away from this one, but I feel like the American public deserves an apology, not a smiling laura bush talking about how she loves reggae music (yeah, bob marley is my fav!!!!)
She also mentioned that George just one day woke up and said….I don’t want to drink anymore. He apparently looked at his bill from the night before and said it was too much. Bullllllllllsnit. And he “wasn’t the kind of guy who needed a program to quit” Ok Laura, slow your role.
And shoe throwers get locked up? What about Bushie and Cheney? Little help here?
Anyway, I hope we all have a vonderbal day. I want to go bowling, but I can’t. Happy go tacky…..
A short ditty:
Boston is fun
Boston is ugly
Boston in the sun
Boston gets juggly
Don’t go to boston
If you don’t like the red sox
Don’t go to boston
If you eat salmon an lox
Say hi to someone
You might get your face punched
Say bye to someone
And get your bumper crunched
Boston is smelly
Boston is sweet
Boston is fun
When the birds go tweet
I don’t like boston
In winter or summer
But being in boston
Aint always a bummer

Spring Frost, Spring Lost

Spring Frost, Spring Lost?

Florence here, just trying my breast to be a great receptionist.
Yesterday, I had lunch by the fountain, in the town where I work. I was sitting by the water, and feeding the ducks, when all of a sudden a couple of giant behemoths rose from the depths. I was in awe….and I thought I might be suffering from (or enjoying) hallucinations, but a nearby woman said “HOLY CARP, I mean CRAP” No, really, these things were huge, and probably from the Paleolithic era.
So my editor in chief, I mean wife, was reviewing my writing from last week, and pointed to what she thought was a typo…”the earth was knocked off its tit” this was no typo….have you heard the boobquake theory? If not, go ask ya motha..

So at work, there is a guy named Tom (not to be confused with Thomas the tight-ass Texas Teabagger, I’ll get to him another day.) Now Tom is a nice guy, we think, but he has some really funny habits. Like he has a need to ask me what I think about shit that does not matter. He keeps grabbing chocolates right by my desk, and said to me “What do you think of the fact that I keep getting up to get chocolates during the day” In my head, I was like “Well, I don’t spend too much time thinking about shit like that, Tom” but I knew he wanted reassurance, so I said, “Everyone grabs those chocolates, Tom.” The kid is just nervous, and unsure of himself. But when we were talking about weekend activities, he said, “I like to sit around with my buddies and drink beers.” And when I said that I don’t drink, he was like “WHY????”
Poor kid tho, just trying to fit in with Flo, you know?
And hilariousness ensued, when he was trying to get to know the other new person in his dept, and she said to him “DO you know how to rollerblade?” He was like….”yeah, I know how, to rollerblade…”
But I think my funniest encounter with him was last Friday, I said…”so, what are you planning for this weekend.” In an effort to impress, he said, “Well,they always have these road races, I think I might go run one.” On Monday I was like, he Tom, how was the race, he said sheepishly, “I didn’t do it.”
Another day sober, another day older. More than 3 weeks without a cig, and going strong. Love you guys….take care.

Bowling terminology, and other Fishbowlian observations

So, we haven't been bowling as a group in a while, but I have been meaning to add something....We have a patented turkey dance, where I gobble like a crazy turkey whenever someone bowls one. I would like to propose that all strike series should be called bird names. Thus..

two strikes....CHICKEN

three strikes....Turkey

4 Strikes.....EMU

5 Strikes......Pterydactyl Bird

6 Strikes.......Big BIRD

7 strikes.....unrealistic

8 strikes.....Blue Footed Booby

9 Strikes....PW HATSBIRD

10 strikes....ROBBIN BIRDINGTON


So, we have other crazy shit to report......

IN an ant like moment, the other day, an older engineer sent out an email to the entire group of employees, including COO and head of HR which read...and I QUOTE:

subj: Brace yourself, Shelia....

Body: What did ivy league schools and/or living in boston do to you *@&#^$@ people? If you borrowed a tool from my tool kit, put it back. If you use my area for a project, clean up after yourself. I may be a MAATHE, but I am NOT your MOTHER....


Thanks guys...more tomorrow.


PW HATSLEY

Rock and ROLL MACdonohue's

So, I’m sorry for losing touch with the few, the proud, the readers……but I was caught up in the volcanic cloud that was my early spring……Seriously folks, its good to be back.
I apologize for the fact that all previous content was jettisoned, but it was time for some new stuff. (aparently Georgie Dubya got a little upset about the email I posted, and threatened to expand his brush burning to my backyard)
But really guys (and gals, if we even have a female reader) what happened to this world/our anonymous author over the past 4 months? Let’s recap for those of us who try to avoid world news sources and PW’s life drama.
Earthquake hits Chile, one of our author’s favorite stomping grounds. Not only did the earthquake hit Chile, but it wreaked havoc on the people that Mr. Hatsley has helped on two separate occasions. It also somehow put the earth on a different tit, or changed the axil rose (I am not a physicist, but I heard something about this)
Tsunamis…..
A volcanic cloud engulfs Europe, at the same time that Greece’s economy starts to collapse. Now I don’t really see a connection, but I thought I would get all the euro-trash talk out of the way in one paragraph. Flights shut down, people yell, complain about missing flights…..you get the picture.
But the most astounding thing to happen in the past 4 months was……….our author got a job. A full timey gig, health insurance and all. Please, hold your applause till after I finish patting myself on the pat. No pat intended, remember, this author is anonymous for a reason.
But the job is kinda cool. I can’t discuss details on the blog, because of a non-disclosable whachamacallit. (I am not a lawyer)
So please welcome, the man who has worn many hats, check that, any hat……Pdubs the RECEPTIONIST!!!!!! You can call me an administrative assistant if you like.
Ok, so I can’t tell my readers where I work, but I can tell you some of the hilarious things that go on from day to day at this post. To start, let’s be serious….who in this company does not have suspicions that I am a homosexual. I mean, Tommy C. and Sal in the warehouse have already pointed out 12 times that when I call them from my direct line, the internal caller id comes up as Florence. This is something they find Hilarious……good for you guys. Rag on the new kid because of a mistake which the lazy IT ass hasn’t bothered to fix yet. Our IT man has promised a new phone system since I got there, (and apparently for months previous to that.)
But wait, there’s more….Our owner is Russian. Not funny for most people, especially since, as my dad says…..”In order to have made money in the transition from communism to capitalism in Russia, you have to have been biting the heads of rats.” Direct quote.
However, I find this funny, mainly because I can do a pretty convincing Russian accent. I have been reminded that this accent is not acceptable plenty of times, and I have since stopped doing it at work, but we have yet to see this guy. He has promised to show up now for two weeks, and we are all waiting “on pins and needles” as C. keeps saying.
But there are so many characters at this new job, and I am in the perfect spot to observe. I am not going to disclose all details at once, but rest assured that I have been taking notes. I will be sure to blog very often to keep my fellow friendlies updated. Especially since I miss you guys so much….awwwww. Somehow, tho, I ran into a Greg with Legs on my lunch break yesterday….small world.
But if it wasn’t hard enough for me to work 80 hours a week without ever having booze, I have quit smoking as well. And my boss thought it was funny to pull out a bottle of whisky to tempt me in the interview, because, he said…..”How can I trust an Irishman who doesn’t drink?” Rest assured, I politely declined. Don’t worry Rob, in my head I was “recoiling as if from a hot flame. Although I prefer to think of it as a deadly viper.”
So yup, that’s me….stick in the mud Pdubs….Abstinent from all fun substances. I feel good about it, but damn…..whooda thunkit? I do, however, stil allow myself to indulge in the delusion that I might be able to get a laugh outta some of you guys, from time to time. (insert retard face…..scott brown has whatttt???)
Speaking of politics, anyone catch Obama’s speech the other night? Where he lampooned Mitt the twit and Brownie boy , almost in the same breath? That guy is incredible, he’s changing the world, cleaning up 8 years of a bonobo’s presidential blunders, and he still has the time to deliver well written material? Damn, I’m not gay, but that man is Sexxxxxy.
I would like to introduce a little game I thought up called……HOW’d THAT work OUT for YA???
The way we play is…..we ask people “How’d that work out for ya?” Not to complicated, right? Okay, here goes…..
Republicans, you took control of the white house, for 8 years, then lost your power to a black man/socialist. You had a good run at fucking things up, cut taxes with reconciliation, broke law after law, waged wars all over the goddamn globe, and still find it appropriate to complain about “fair and balanced politics in Washington” You guys sound like a bunch of crying ninnymuffins, but…….HOW’d that work out for ya?????
And Sarah Palin…….you look kinda cute, you talk kinda funny, and you dropped out of a governorship to run around the country talking about guns and shit that you don’t understand…….so, HOW’d that work out for ya???
And not to be mean, I love you Conan….but youre acting like a spoiled brat, even though you know Jay Leno has more money and power than Donald Trump (not literally) so, sorry bro but….how’d that work out for ya?
And Arizona…..although the story is not fully told yet…..you are trying to promote what I call “redneck legislation” in a state that is run on immigrant sweat. Other states are talking about boycotting your state all together….so, How’s that working out for ya????
If I sound a little glib, or a little smug…..I’m sorry, but I am a Liberal, and I am so sick and tired of Repubs and Teabaggers complaining about shit that doesn’t even make sense, or is even based in reality, ie the whole birthing bullshit…..SO I had to throw that out there.
So, more to come….for now though, please understand that our author is sorry for not posting more. Project Pat was underway, and luckily our anonymous author made it out the other side……Stay tuned.