ANd again.....here, we go:

circa last summer.....


Double dipping on Pat’s Hat humor….

So this week I feel like we need to step it up a notch, and release two installments of this outlandish bullcrank. My wife has been reading this stuff, and she says it’s off the wall, and that I jump around too much. I don’t take criticism very well, and I ended the discussion by yelling, slamming my fist on my own ballsack, and realizing that I am always wrong, a big ass, and I smell worse than most.

That said, I thought I would take out my little computer and give it another shot. Let’s see how I do on this one.

They’re trying to build a Walmart on the site of Robert E Lee’s last battle. Southerners are all up in arms about this. I would be too, if my racist hero was being defaced by a racist organization like Walmart. I mean what are these people on? The south was in the right, slavery should be reinstated, and Robert E Lee was fighting the good fight as he tried to keep Northerners from freeing slaves, respecting women, and spreading their dirty ideas of independence and equality south of the Mason Dixie. Next thing we know, they’re gonna erect a shrine to the wonderful and powerful Adolf Hitler. The dedication will go something like this…..”We decided it was time that we started honoring real heroes. No more of this giving credit to liberal, smart, talented, accomplished freedom fighters. We need to be honest here America, we love white people, and we hate blacks, latinos, and especially catholics.”

I just found out that there has been some in-fighting among lobstermen from Maine. They are proud that they practice “self-policing.” What this means, is that if there is a disagreement between boats, they usually have a fist-fight. If things get drastic, a duel is called, and they have to take 20 paces, turn and fire. Can you imagine being in York Bay, going to a bar and seeing two 50 year old men trading blows? You ask a bystander what’s going on, and the response would be something like this….”Kevin caught Dave stealing lobsters out of his trap. And Dave fucked Kevin’s sister 5 years ago. He still hasn’t apologized for that. My money’s on Kevin this time.” When you ask if the police should be involved, the man talking to you gestures over to the corner and says…..”Sean over there is on the force, he’s just going to make sure that no one gets killed, and if someone does, he’ll make sure we keep the death toll under control, and properly dispose of the body.” That’s when you realize that Maine lobstermen are too hard core for a little knucklehead like you.

So Menino’s under the gun here, accused of doing what Italians do best, taking bribes and taking care of his own. I want to stand up and be like…”does this really surprise us that much?” I mean, look at the man, and listen to him. He looks and sounds like a Boston version of Paulie from the Sopranos. You ask him an in depth question, and between mumbles and uhhhs, you get some very simplified version of the situation. In other words, he’s telling us on a constant basis….”Let me handle this, I got a guy for that, and it will be handled quietly, quickly, and it would be appreciated if the public stayed out of it.” The man knows more about getting things done through the help of guys named Tiny, Giusepi and Frankie than your average Bossman. I support the guy, and what he does, but there are a lot of people out there who are just finding this shit out. Sam Yoon however, would be like a kitten trying to control a pack of wolves with heavy addictions to cocaine, alcohol, and childblood. I think we should just stick with Mumbles, his speech impediment makes me feel at home.

If you need any more evidence that the apocalypse is fast approaching, turn on your radio once in awhile, and listen to what hose excrement sauce is selling as far as music. They have a song about doing the “Helen Keller.” Now, I am the first one to laugh at a good retard joke, but this is ridiculous. I think the guy who wrote this song should have his voice box cut out, and his eyes burned with Clorox bleach. You wanna laugh about Helen Keller? Really? How bout I make it so you can see what the fuck she had to go through? Making money hand over fist at the expense of a deaf mute who fought her whole life for her own rights, and the rights of others with disabilities is NOT ok. I also take offense to all new music that is presented as hip-hop, R&B, or rap. To me, it resembles more of a 4 year-old with cerebral paulsey waking up in the morning and trying to get out of bed without shitting the sheets for the 7th morning in a row. (That is the exact line that is going to have me ending up in hell when I die.) These people need to spend some time away from the microphone, examining their own consciences, and listening to nothing but Slick Rick, Nas, and Tupac. Only when they can write me a 2 page letter explaining why their shit sucks, and why Luther Vandross was superior to them in every single way, can they even think about getting back on the mic. And recording albums with this tom-foolery is out of control. They need to spend some time in a galaxy far way, and allow some of the most trusted names in music to take a shot at it. Here, I am referring to the freestyle rolling linguisticalized attack force known to most as Hat Crew with Greggy Biggsby (the most dangerous MC in the Commonwealth.) They were last seen embarrassing the microphone with talent it had never previously supported in Hyannis MA.

I think we are all in danger of forgetting how much kids from Dover-Sherborn suck. I was recently talking to someone from my No Excuses group who is helping to counsel a family with an alcoholic and drug addicted son. The parents bought the kid an 80,000 dollar Ferrari, and the kid had the balls to complain that the car was slightly used. I would have punched the kid in the jaw, but Bobby G made it clear that he told the parents to let the kid sleep in a dumpster for a few months before they shell out another 20,000 for a cushy rehab facility. These are the kinds of kids who get college paid for completely by daddy, proceed to fail out of school, and have the balls to say that their parents never did anything for them. They then open up a small surf company in Florida, wear flip-flops everyday, and call home once a year to complain about the weather when it rains. My dad would have a field day with these kids. As a matter of fact, I think my dad should open up a rehab facility. Here is a typical day in Tim Donohue Sr’s rehab facility…..
4:30 am: Wake up….My dad would wake these motherfuckers up by banging a metal trash can in each kids face, spitting on them, and telling them that their balls will be removed if they don’t start some yard work within 10 minutes.
4:40 am: yard work…this involves doing yard work in the dark. No tools are allowed. When the guys ask my dad why they can’t even use rakes or shovels, my dad replies…”I can’t trust you little bastards with metal. Shut up and pick more weeds.”
5:00 am: yard work
5:30 am: yard work…when one of the kids asks if they can have water, my dad replies..”Little Edelbert here is getting too brave, so because of his selfish attitude, we will now run 3 miles.”
6:00 am: The 3 miles are over, and two of the kids are throwing up. My dad tells them that throwing up is God’s way of telling them that they suck at life. They ask if they can get something to eat, and my dad gives them each a fishing pole, and tells them to catch a fish. The kids end up falling asleep at the lake, and my dad drops logs on each of their stomachs. Crying ensues, and my pops tells them that they can cry all they want, but crying takes too many calories to be sustainable.
6:30 am: My dad has mercy on them, and gives each one a cup of water, and rice that was cooked days before. They tell him that it’s not edible, and it smells funny. He says that he has had worse, and walks away to take a cell phone call. Some wise guy named Steve decides that he will organize the group to revolt. When my dad returns to the group, Steve says that they have decided to leave the clinic. My Dad says…”good luck guys, but I removed the engines from each of your cars last night, and the police have been notified to run any of you over if you are seen walking on any of these roads without my notification. Have fun gentlemen.”
7:00 am….A brave little guy named Chris remembers that my Dad is very religious. He decides to try to take advantage of this and asks…”What would Jesus say if he saw you mistreating us like this?” To this my Dad laughs, and says....”Jesus doesn’t give two shits about rich little ungrateful peckerheads like you. He spent 40 days starving in the desert, and if he were here, he would tell you to suck it up, shut your damn mouths and get something done before he himself smacked you all in your earholes.”
7:15 am: Gary says that he is feeling sick, and needs to lie down. My dad says, ”Fine, go ahead.” When Gary goes upstairs to lie down, my dad tells another resident to go upstairs, and dump boiling water on the kids face. The delegate says that he will not, and my dad says….”Ok, we’ll give the kid another hour, if he’s not up, then I will personally wipe my ass with his nose.”
For the rest of the morning, the guys are forced to do make a french drain to prevent flooding in the spring. It is November, and the weather is quite brisk. The boys are forced to melt the semi-frozen ground by urinating on it, then digging the ground with their hands. They claim that they are receiving unfair treatment, and my dad replies by screaming, yelling, and punching the jewish kid who says his lawyer will hear about the situation.
Midday comes to reveal my dad’s light side. He says that everyone deserves a lunch, and has them make peanut butter sandwiches. One of the residents is stupid enough to ask for more, and finds himself running laps around the lake, with a German Shepherd named Tootles chasing him.
The afternoon is filled with my Dad reading to the boys as they do the dishes, wash the floors, and clean the tables and chairs with hot water and toothbrushes. My Dad has rigged an intercom through the building and the grounds. He spends most of the day reading to them from the personal accounts of John McCain’s experiences as a POW. He then starts to read from the diary of a Jewish Concentration camp survivor. When he is finished, most of the kids are weeping, and he tells them that there is no mercy, and they need to pick up the pace.
At 6:00 pm, most of the residents are falling asleep in their chairs, while my Dad is playing country music at full blast through the compound. He allows this to go on for about a half an hour, then gathers the kids, and makes them do push-ups, pull-ups and crunches until they all throw up.
As the sun sets, he takes all of their beds from their rooms, sets them up outside, and locks them out of the building. He tells them that if they try to flee, they will be eaten by bears, cougars, or he will release the “other dogs.” The kids didn’t even know that there were other dogs on the compound, but my dad lets them know they don’t want to test the waters on this one, as the dogs have never been around a person they have not tried to eat.
That is one day, Day One in Tim Donohue’s camp. The camp is titled: Life sucks, and so do You. Get over yourselves……or Camp Eat Shit for short.


Lighter side of life……
Have you ever sat and wondered how many non-human mammals have more intelligence than the average libertarian or republican House member? I know I have, and the answer I came up with is quite shocking. The average otter has more understanding of world events, political issues, and better grammar than our most intelligent republican congressman or woman. (A recent Wesley J. Major poll of wildlife suggests.) A woodchuck on its last legs can still find the ability to feed itself, take care of its young, and die in dignity. Republicans however, think that Democrats are to blame for the fact that they can’t even make love to their wives without realizing how little they know about making a female orgasm. Ask them to cook you a dinner and they will respond that it’s Obama’s fault that there is no food on the table, and at this point you realize that the congressman has never even prepared a single meal for themselves, let alone someone else.


There is a family of squirrels in my neighborhood who are attempting to set up an organized crime family. They have been seen issuing beatings to all outside squirrels, mice, and rabbits who wander into Harmony Grove looking for acorns, discarded bread, and other snacks that are available because of the kindness or carelessness of Framingham residents. The boss of the family is named Cheeks Robinson, and he is renowned for his ruthless tactics, and his daring antics. They have set up shop in an abandoned apartment on Pearl street, where they have opened up an acorn liquor store, and they’re making extra money by selling pills they find on the street to neighborhood possums and skunks. The operation recently got ugly when a few crows found themselves getting jumped by Cheeks’ cousins, a group of 9 gray squirrels who had nothing better to do. The crows were so pissed, they proceeded to get support from local pigeons and returned the next day to drop pebbles on the young squirrels who were busy vandalizing the woodchuck den on Union Ave. The beavers in the river nearby heard about the situation and responded with a statement: “We do not support this type of thuggish behavior. If this persists, we will be forced to damn up all rivers leading to Harmony Grove, and cut off the food supply for 3 weeks. Please be advised that we do not put up with thieves, murderers, or trouble makers of the rodent variety. If we need to, we will alert all coyotes and hawks of these occurrences, and then we will not see so many happy squirrels anymore. Thank you to all who have alerted us of this problem, please know that our beaver prayers are with you all, and this too shall pass.” I will update you about this situation when more has developed.

And now a word from Dick Cheney: “Life sucks, America is supposed to be the Land of the Free, but I am stuck trying to promote a book about why I shouldn’t go to jail for the rest of my life. I tried my best to run this country the way Charlemagne would have, but now all I get is angry letters and bad reviews about my service to the country. Black people suck, women are stupid, and I hate children of all colors. I survive each day by sucking the life out of happy people, complaining, and being angry to all I encounter. I enjoy romantic destruction of country infrastructure humor, and long walks in complete silence. These are the times that I really hunker down and develop new and creative ways to screw the American people, put our most talented and hardest working men and women to death at the hands of unjust war, and drive our country into financial and moral bankruptcy, nahhhhrrrr nauuhhhhh.”








Speaking of angry letters, I recently received some hate-mail from an unidentified sender. It read:

Dear Pat in a Hat,
I understand that you think you are funny, and for this I am deeply sorry. You are not funny, not at all. I take offense to everything you write, and I am going to see to it that your apartment smells like garbage for the rest of your life. Please know that I am not usually a mean person, but after reading your opinion, I am thinking about starting a militia to combat liberal punks like you. Free speech is a problem, and I am going to see to it that you are imprisoned in Louisiana for your words. I have a brother named Luke who has heard about you. He says that we are going to take a “road trip to Framingham.” Please be advised that this will not be a friendly visit. Jesus hates you, and he hates all the minorities that you seem to like. He also hates your music, your style of dress, and your happiness. I hope that the next few months find you sick in the hospital, with blood pouring from your nose and ears. And I hope your aunts die of an unknown illness. Thanks for reading this. My uncle says that you read poetry on Tuesdays, I knew you were a queer.
Sincerely,
Unknown Angerman Lewis
June 2010

I am working on a response to this letter, but here is what I am thinking of writing…

Angerman,
I am honored that you took the time out of your busy day to respond to my ramblings. I know it must be hard to hate people all day long, but you seem to be handling it like a champ. Tell me, does it hurt to know that you are a miserable ass and your family hates you? Please understand that while your opinion is appreciated, you just wasted money on a stamp, and I will soon be throwing up from imagining what your girlfriend looks like. I wish you the best of luck in life, it’s not easy to be such a dirty pissbag. May Dick Cheney have mercy on your sorry, ugly soul.
Peace and Love
Patrick the Hatrick lemur


Thanks for your time guys, you really are great to humor me by reading this drivel. Have a great day, and remember……don’t talk to cops about your thoughts, feelings, or ideas. EVER……


You can see more at www.CopsHateHappy.com/Blacks/criminals/Ihaveasmalldick