Do I miss it?

Do I miss it?

I went for a long walk tonight. Walking usually gives me a good opportunity to think, provided I am not on my way to work, to a meeting, or to some other thought occupying engagement.

On my walk tonight, I began to think about my past messes. I thought about how hectic life was. It came to my attention that life is really a lot less stressful these days.

For that I am grateful. On this walk, I realized that at times I miss the drama.

When I was doing bad things, I always had a crisis to attend to. I usually was able to talk my way out of it. At times I couldn’t and I would drink to quell the rising guilt, stress, or general discomfort that my behavior had caused.

That “out” is gone. That stress is fading as well.

I am not sitting here spouting off that life is easy. That would be quite a fantastic lie. The point is that I don’t have to drink away my feelings. I can deal with them, as they crop up.

So back to the focus of this piece, do I miss that old way of life? I don’t. Do I miss waking up in the morning, wondering who I had harmed, how much money I had spent, or what the hell happened the night before? No.

This is one of the gifts I am given in sobriety. It is a blessing. The gift of reason (at times) is starting to show itself. The gift of better judgment is creeping in as well. The gift of sanity, although evasive at times, has started to fall into my life.

I will keep showing up to meetings. Something magical is happening there. I will continue to listen to those who are also struggling with the pain of addiction, of loss, of heartache.

Have a great night, folks.

PW Hatsley